Imax Laser Show

Me and my fellow compadres met up on the early morning of August 10th to experience the Dark Knight in the Imax theater. To our surprise we were about to encounter witchcraft at its highest degree. We sat with our tub-o-popcorn discussing the awesomeness of the movie we were about to witness, I even remembered stating "It's going to be like staring into Gods Vagina". 5 minutes before the start of the movie we were disorientated by a booming voice that came out of the movie screen, it was like Zeus was talking to us. We sat startled and about to urinate our trousers, trembling with fear with our foreheads and palms perspiring sweat. Then the most terrifying thing happened, lasers started shooting at us from all directions, pinned in our seats and distracted by our popcorn we were not able to move. The moral of this story kids... do not go to Imax its full of witchcraft and sorcery

Just kidding I thought I rant about how unnecessary laser shows are. I thought laser shows faded into cheesy existence in the 80's.

Popsicles and Magazines Rant

I love popsicles, heck! I'll devour a couple scoops of ice cream any chance I get, nobody can resist creamy delights. The only problem I have is when the treats come together, creating a half Popsicle, half ice cream concoction. Who was the wise guy in marketing that thought of this? "Duh... hey guys I loves popsicles and ice cream, lets put dem two 2gether" I think this treat only satisfies people that like getting punched in the junk repeatedly or people that like fruit on their pizzas. Think about it, would you dip your grape Popsicle into a vat of ice cream? No! You wouldn't! Only a half wit would do that! Or a prego teenager on smack. Fuck interracial popsicle/ice cream treats I hate them all.

I was reading my magazine the other day and decided to read an article I found interesting. I thought I was finished but nope, this fucking magazine told me to turn to page 67 to continue my story! Fuck you magazine! Quit telling me what to do; besides, I am far too lazy to read on or flip pages. And it really peeves me when I decide to go to page 67 and accidentally start reading some other story, which confuses the fuck out of me "Algore did WHAT?!? I thought I was reading about manatees...” On the subject of reading have you ever had one of those friends that read the book before the movie? Most annoying people on the face of the earth. "Oh! The book was WaaaaaaaaaaAaay better!" I just want to say to them "Well you know what’s the best part! In the movie I didn't have to READ!”

F*ck you, Chores!

Fuck you, cleaning the fridge. How the hell do you get so dirty? I don't eat in there, I simply store food. What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf? Do gnomes have parties in here when I'm at work or something? Nasty little gnomes. And, for some reason, I feel really, really vulnerable when I'm bent over, scrubbing your gross shelves. Don't know why. So thank you for keeping my beer cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it.

Fuck you, paying bills. Every god damn month? Are you kidding me? I barely even surfed the web this month, I still gotta shell out all that cash? And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees. They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time. So, thank you for the cell phones, heating, and the internet, but fuck you constant demands.

Fuck you, deleting old porn to make room for new porn. What man can make this decision? It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship. Fuck, this is killing me. I hate my laggy connection.

Fuck you, changing light bulbs. It's 2008, right? I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on my wobbly chair and deal with this crap. Two bonus fuck yous: for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a darkened room, innocently flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and terrifying pop! Also, for somehow convincing your light bulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with fear whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What, did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep?
Bastards.

Fuck you, washing dishes. Yes, I know, you smell funny, and I know the longer I wait, the more weird slime stuff is just going to accumulate on you. That's why I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands. I'm a caveman in my abode.

Finally, fuck you, writing this rant. Using my fingers is hard work.

Driving in Cow Town

OK, I have been driving on Calgary roads every day for a lot of years. When you start driving, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the jerkness, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that drive the streets of Calgary. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture.

That said I have compiled a list – a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the road with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day.

If people are honking, flashing their lights and shaking their fists at you perhaps you should reevaluate some of your driving habits.

Here are a few pointers.

When sitting at a red light please don’t redo your makeup, read a newspaper, change your clothes, masturbate, give head to your passenger, allow your passenger to give YOU head or begin distracting activities that may cause you to be otherwise occupied when the light turns green.

When the light actually turns green there shouldn’t be a deliberative process necessary before you STEP ON THE GAS.

The roads are overcrowded as it is and all it takes is a couple of retards sitting and staring at a green light for 15 or 20 seconds to start a chain reaction behind them that leads to what we call VOLUME SLOWING.

If you are in the left lane and you want to drive at a leisurely pace, I understand. GET IN THE RIGHT LANE. This is the lane for slower traffic.

If you are driving in the left lane and you are dead even with the guy in the right lane, YOU ARE FUCKING UP.

There are people behind you with appointments to keep, jobs to go to or who may have an urgent need to use the bathroom. Please move to the right and let them get about their business.

Some of the people passing you may exceed the speed limit in doing so. This is perfectly legal but even if it wasn’t please remember, YOU ARE NOT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. We have paid professionals who are perfectly capable of enforcing the law and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM. By intentionally slowing traffic you ARE BREAKING THE LAW and may be ticketed for this violation.

If you are in the right lane and someone in the left lane is signaling to get over LET UP ON THE GAS. I don’t know how many times I have put on my signal for thirty or forty seconds and tried to merge right only to experience a blaring horn and upraised finger from some retard who has been pacing me in my blind spot for the last km or two.

Just for the record, this is why so many people fail to signal turns and “cut you off”. They know that as soon as you see the turn signal you will probably sit your passive aggressive ass directly in the way and stay there for as long as possible.

About being “cut off”. The only people who are “cut off” are those who REFUSE TO YIELD. You do not own the road and must share it with about a million other drivers. Get good with this fact or move out to bum fuck airdrie where your driving won’t raise eyebrows and tempers.

I’m not advocating blasting through police diversions at 60 miles an hour but there is no need to slow down to a crawl when passing an accident, curioustity cause additional accidents you and your voyeur of a family don’t want to become a part of the roadside tragedy you are gaping at, GET A MOVE ON. The same goes for other roadside diversions including break downs, pretty girls getting ticketed, accidents on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, emergency vehicles going in the opposite direction on a divided road and related events.

In conclusion. I don’t care what kind of self-absorbed butt nugget you are in the rest of your life please remember that you are piloting a couple of tons of metal glass and plastic around the road. Try to rise above your vile self just long enough to get from A to B without pissing every other driver on earth off and we’ll all be a lot happier and some of us may live a little longer.